


Talk Less

by typewriterlights



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, M/M, POV First Person, Trans Male Character, very gay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-16
Updated: 2016-03-20
Packaged: 2018-05-21 03:44:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 18,745
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6036616
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/typewriterlights/pseuds/typewriterlights
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alexander Hamilton is starting again.  New school, new friends, new crush, new debate team.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Sometimes I like to wonder what exactly in my life lead me to the point of writing gay fanfiction about the founding fathers, and then I think I don't really want to know. Disclaimer: I don't know how to write good

“Just breathe Alex, it’s going to be okay.” 

I repeated this to myself over and over again, in the small hope that it would come true. 

It all started a week ago, when my mom told me that I had to be, “more involved in social situations.” 

She knows I hate being forced out of my comfort zone, and she knows I have no interest at all in joining one of these stupid school clubs. It was a week before I started going to a new school and I was already dreading the thought of going. I don’t know anyone, and now, my mother was making things even worse by telling me I have to join a club. 

“It doesn’t have to be a club,” she said with what I thought looked like a malevolent grin. 

“You could always join a sports team.” 

“Me? On a sports team? I don’t have a death wish.” 

“Come on Alex, you might enjoy it. You never know until you try,” she said with her mother knows best tone of voice. 

“Fine,” I replied in a fruitless attempt to get her to stop bothering me. 

“I’ll join a club, but I’m definitely not joining a sports team.” 

“Thank goodness. It’s like pulling teeth with you,” she whispered under her breath, but just loud enough so that I could hear her. 

I could tell that she wasn’t in the mood for an argument, so I just let it slide. I hated arguments anyway. 

Here I am now. Standing in front of the place that will become my prison for the rest of high school. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I see swarms of people moving passed me, not noticing me. Most of them have probably know each other for years, and here I am with nothing. With no one. I figured being late on the first day would just make things worse, so I started my slow walk up the steps to my new school. 

As soon as I got in, I realize I have no idea where to go. You would think that my mom would have made me take a tour over the summer or something, but she didn’t, so now I’m completely screwed. That is until I look to the left, and see a sign that says “Main Office.” I guess that’s the best place to start. I go left, and soon find the door to the main office. I try to rid myself of all the nerves I’m feeling as I push open the door. 

As I enter the office, I see a woman sitting at a desk in the center of the room. She’s looks about 60 years old, and she seems nice enough, so with a deep breath I walk towards her. 

“Excuse me, I’m new here, and I don’t really know where to go,” I say quickly, hoping she heard me. 

“Of course,” she said in a warm tone. 

“That’s what I’m here for. What’s your last name sweetie?” 

“Hamilton.” 

“Give me a second while I look it up” 

I watched as she quickly typed my name into the computer. 

“So you’re Alexandra Hamilton, correct?” 

“Yeah, that’s me. But I go by Alex,” I added quickly. 

“Well Alex, your homeroom teacher is Mr. Washington, and he’s also your history teacher. His room is up the stairs and to the right, and the room number is 217. He’ll give you your schedule. I hope you have a terrific first day.” She said all of this in a fast, cheery tone, that immediately helped me feel better. 

As I go out the door I think, maybe this day won’t be as bad as I thought. 

I was wrong. 

This day could definitely be as bad as I thought. 

Maybe even worse. 

The beginning was fine, I got to homeroom on time, and Mr. Washington gave me my schedule. I looked around the class at the people who I would be spending the rest of my high school years with. Of course, I knew none of them, so I was defiantly out of place. At least none of them looked like they wanted to beat me up. Yet. 

I take my seat in the back of the room as usual, I wait nervously for Mr. Washington to take attendance. He starts going through the list of alphabetical names. He gets to H, and calls, 

“Alexandra Hamilton?” 

“I’m here,” I replied shakily. 

“And you can just call me Alex.” 

I'm not going to explain to anyone why I prefer Alex. Nobody knows, and nobody needs to know. 

For the rest of attendance, I'm not fully paying attention, until I hear him call someone with an unusually long, French sounding name. I fairly certain that the last part was Lafayette or something. I look over to see who the name belongs to, and I see this person with the biggest, magnificent hair I have ever seen. It _must_ be full of secrets. He defiantly is French, judging by the strong accent I hear when he responds to his name. 

Before I know it, homeroom is over, and I am heading to my first class. It’s English with Mr. Burr on the first floor. I keep looking down at the map that came with my schedule to make sure I don’t get lost in the sea of students rushing by. 

I get to the room. I take a seat at the back of the room. It’s becoming a habit now. I’ll probably get a reputation for being that weird shy kid. It’s not like I have a problem with that or anything. I didn’t come here to make friends, and unfortunately people like my mother don’t realize that. 

I’m not entirely sure what to expect in this class, since I’m new, I don’t know anything about the teachers, which ones have good reputations, bad ones, and which ones were just plain crazy. It turns out, I got one that was none of those things. I couldn’t tell anything about him. What he believed, what he stood for, and to be honest, it kind of annoyed me. 

Since it was only the first day, class went pretty much as expected, explaining rules and expectations. It was all a blur of syllabuses and homework guidelines. 

It all went fine. 

Until Samuel Seabury opened his mouth.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More stuffz happens. Hammie and Laf meet up. I am a professional summary writer. Trust me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually wrote more! Awesome! Wow!
> 
> (this chapter uses transphobic slurs/general transphobia. just be warned, stay safe mes amis)

I came out of my first class on the first day at my new school, close to tears.

Great.

Just great.

I thought I would be able to survive, if I just stayed in the background and I didn’t say anything. But people like Samuel Seabury just can’t shut up, and leave me alone. I don’t even know why he said anything.

No one was supposed to know.

Now I actually was crying. I silently thanked whatever higher power that was listening, for having the bathroom right next to the English room, so I could save myself the embarrassment of having to ask for directions. I never wanted to go back into that room. I never wanted to look at any of them ever again.

I got to the bathroom, and immediately locked myself in a stall. It was all too much. To fast. I went over everything in my mind.

* _flashbackz_ *

“Aww, look at little Alexandra in the back, pretending she’s a boy.”

My breath was coming fast. What started this? And most importantly, how does he know?

“W-what are you-”

“Shut up, I don't want to talk to a fucking tranny.”

That was it. I'm not listening anymore.

It hurts too much.

I storm out, not caring that everyone was staring at me now.

Fantastic.

Now everyone is going to stay away from me. I tried so hard, it’s not my fault. I look for the closest place to hide.

The closest place to forget.

_*no more flashbackz*_

I am brought back to reality by the sound of the bathroom door opening, and then quickly swinging shut. I hope it’s not anyone who saw what just happened. I doubt it; why would any of them care about me.

“Alex?” The voice was soft, hesitant, a mere whisper.

Damn it.

Someone followed me.

The same voice came again but this time it was a bit louder.

“Alex, are you alright?”

Now I could hear the voice had a slight accent. It must be the one with big hair from home room. I decided to answer. If they went out of their way to find me, I guess they can’t be that bad.

“I'm fine.”

“Are you sure? You didn't look very fine earlier.”

No shit.

“I'm okay, I promise, i just- hey, what are you doing in the girls bathroom!?”

He really was quite strange.

“The real question, mon ami, is what are you doing here?”

He's got me there.

I unlock the door, and open it slowly, careful not to hit him.

“Well, as you must have seen in class earlier, some people can be assholes, and it's easier for their tiny closed minds if I just use this one.”

“Oui oui, mon petit pomme de terre, I quite understand the struggle.”

Did he just call me a little potato?

“You see, I use both bathrooms interchangeably, just because I feel like it. You of all people shouldn't assume someone's gender on appearance alone.”

“Oh my god, I'm so, so sorry. I didn't know,” I said as I felt my face turning red.

“Think nothing of it mon cheri, now you know.”

“I'm sorry I caused such a scene back in there, I just don’t understand how he found out. Nobody knows. I’ve literally never told anyone. It’s impossible for him to know.”

“It is likely he said it just to see your reaction. People like him, they don’t care about the feelings of others.”

“I just don’t understand why he had to chose me,” my voice shaking slightly.

“Simply because you are new here. He thinks you don’t have friends to stand up for you.”

“Well, he’s not wrong,” I say bitterly.

“You are mon ami, mon ami,” he replied with a smile.

A friend?

That was new.

“I really appreciate you coming to find me, no one at my old school would have done that,” I say truthfully.

None of them cared.

“Of course, mon ami. We must look out for each other, non? That idiot said the same thing to me when I first came here. But he quickly learned not to mess with the great Marie-Joseph Paul Yves Roch Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette!”

They said it with such exuberance, it had a hint of arrogance to it. I couldn't help but laugh.

“Jesus Christ, is that seriously your name?” “Oui oui, but you my good sir, may simply call me Lafayette.” As he said that, he bowed slightly, and tipped an imaginary hat in my direction. I felt the need to respond with equal eloquence.

“Alexander Hamilton, at your service.” I looked so awkward, we both ended up dying of laughter. After what seemed like hours, our laughter finally subsided. I had one more serious question for my new friend.

“What pronouns do you prefer?”

“Merci de demander! Je prefere they/them. I am, of course, America’s favorite genderfluid french person.”

With that, they put their arm around me, and together we walked out of the bathroom. I’m glad I didn’t have to do it alone. Curious eyes followed me, scanning my face, searching for signs of emotion. I don’t want anyone to see how it affected me. I can’t look like I’m weak, They must have been told about the incident in the English room. Word really does travel fast. As I expected, Mr. Burr was waiting for me outside his classroom. I was not looking forward for this conversation. It would mean more questions. Questions I didn’t want to answer, or that I simply couldn’t answer. The questions always came, I just didn’t expect them to be coming so early in the school year.

“You’ll be alright, mon ami,” came Lafayette’s whisper. “I believe in you.”

For the first time in my life I had a real friend. Wouldn’t my mother be proud of me now? Although, she might not approve of Lafayette. They are the first person who ever made me feel not so alone. So I guess this day won’t be a complete mess after all. I found someone who I can call my friend. For the first time in years.

I think that the two of us will get along very well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know french lol, two years and I've learned nothing  
> Hope y'all enjoyed the Sinning™


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The squad is finally coming together. They have a group chat and everything, so it's gotta be legit.

The conversation with Mr. Burr went exactly how I thought it would.

They always went the same way, no matter where I was.

Always.

Was I alright? Did I need to see the school guidance counselor? Was I sure that I was alright?

Yes.

No.

Yes.

My usual answers. It's become almost a habit now, not really listening, giving the answers they want to hear. The answers that will get me out of the conversation as quickly as possible. I hate having to talk to people I’m not comfortable with. In all honesty, I don’t like talking that much at all. I don't really think he cared. I mean, teachers are supposed to ask these questions. It their job. Right? Whatever the reason, I still don't quite trust Mr. Burr.

When I got out of my heart to heart with Mr. Burr, I found Lafayette waiting for me outside the English room.

“I told you you would survive. Everything went alright, n’est-ce pas?”

“I survived. Thanks for waiting for me, I really appreciate it you know.”

“Anything for a friend,” they replied, and I couldn't help but smile. That would take some getting used to. “Besides, we have a break now,” they continued, “and there is someone I want you to meet.”

Lafayette lead me down the hallway, making a series of turns down other hallways. I had no idea how anyone could find their way around this place. In a few minutes I was totally lost. I had no clue where we were, but Lafayette seemed to know where we were headed, and I trusted them. After one more right turn, we came to a flight of stairs, leading down into what looked like...a basement?

“Um, I trust your judgment and all that,” I started cautiously, “but that looks like a basement. A dark, cold, creepy basement.”

“That's because it is,” they replied, confirming my fears. I wasn’t exactly a fan of dark, cold, and creepy places. “But don't worry, it's actually quite a nice place. You see, the person I'd like you to meet spends a great deal of time down here.”

What kind peon spends their time in a place like this? I guess I was about to find out. Once again, Lafayette took the lead, and we started down the stairs.

When we reached the bottom, I didn't even have time to look around before I heard a loud, very loud voice.

“Laf! How's it going my little friend? Looks like you brought a new one.”

“Oui mon ami, this is my friend Alexander Hamilton. He's new here.”

“Welcome bro! I'm Hercules Mulligan.” He reached out his hand for me to shake it. I returned the gesture, and I wasn't surprised when I found out what a strong grip he had.

“You can just call me Alex,” I offered shyly. He really was intimidating. “What do you do down here, if you don’t mind me asking?”

“This is my workshop, but not really,” he added hastily. “It’s sort of an extracurricular activity. I design clothes. And then I make them. I’m always down here during my free blocks. The school lets me, because the costume department for theater is a bit...”

“Hideous,” Lafayette broke in. “Without mon ami here, they all would be wearing rags.”

I could see Hercules was embarrassed by the praise. He was modest to a fault. I was definitely surprised when I heard that was what he did in his free time, he didn’t really strike me as the type to be into fashion. I guess I was learning a lot about people today.

“J’ai une idee!” Lafayette declared suddenly. “Alex, you must give me your number.” Lafayette pulled out their phone, and I started to recite my number. About five seconds later, my phone vibrated. I looked at the message. It was from Lafayette, as I had expected. It read,

_BONJOUR MON AMI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_

Classic.

“I made a group chat with you two in it, so now we will never be truly apart, mes amis!” I loved how excited they got over everything. Some might say they are over dramatic, but I think it’s just because they’re French. I mean, they go hand in hand right?

I looked to see what the group was called.

_Squad Goalssss._

Of course it was.

I’d never been included in one of these before, and the feeling was sort of indescribable. I know it was stupid, after all, people text their friends all the time, but for me it was all new. I felt included for once, I wouldn’t be all alone. I thought this school would be like the other ones I went to; cold and unwelcoming. But it was only my first day here and I already met two amazing people. Maybe I’ll be able to survive after all. Maybe my mom won’t make me join a club after all, I mean I was being pretty social. Just what she wanted. Although, knowing my mother it wouldn’t be enough, so I decided now was as good a time as any.

“Hey, do either of you guys know any clubs I could join? There not really my thing, but my mom is kind of insistent.”

“That depends, what are you into,” asked Hercules.

“That’s the problem, I don’t really have anything that I’m interested in. I was always to scared to join any clubs at my old school.”

“Then we must find something you like!” came Lafayette’s reply. “We will help you find something. there is a board with all of the clubs listed on them. I’m sure you’ll find something, mon ami.”

I checked the time on my phone; it was time for our next class. It was history with Mr. Washington. I asked Lafayette to take me there, because I knew if I tried to do it myself, I would get hopelessly lost. We said goodbye to Hercules, and made our way up the stairs. He seemed nice enough this morning.

I hoped that this class wouldn’t be as bad as the first one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I still don't know what i'm doing with my life :))))))  
> I promise John will make an appearence in the next chapter. Don't worry, I haven't forgotten the other smol son.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So many memes. They're all trash. Laurens finally shows up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was sort of rushing to finish this, but I have a good reason. Today I took a tour of the Schuyler Mansion, and it was focused on my son, A. Ham, so i went because I am trash. I'll say more at the end of the chapter

I was right when I thought that Mr. Washington’s class would be better. He seemed like a pretty cool guy. I'm just glad that the incident that happened before, did not repeat itself. Lafayette told me to meet them outside the cafeteria right before lunch.  I told them I might be late because of the fact that I’m very good at getting lost.

Ten minutes, two different school maps, and several helpful maintenance workers later, I found the cafeteria, and to my relief I saw Lafayette and Hercules standing there.  Just as I approached them I heard,

“Pay up Laf, 10 bucks.”

“You see mon ami, I was just kidding, bien s û r.  I had the greatest confidence that Alex would be here in a timely manner.”

“Come on, you said if he was more than fifteen minutes late, I’d have to give you $10.  I told you he’d be here in ten or less, and it seems I was right, so pay up  _ “mon ami _ .”    
“I can’t believe you guys were betting on how lost I would get.  I came out to have a good time, and honestly I’m feeling so attacked right now,” I said with a smirk.

“We’ll be here all day if we wait for Laf to pay me, so we better get going.”

“But what about lunch?  I’m kind of hungry,” I said to no avail.

“We got you an apple. Allons-y! Vite, vite!” Lafayette said hastily.  We must hurry.”

I was happy to comply, so the three of us set off down the hall.

We came to a stop in front of a large bulletin board.

“These are your choices,” began Lafayette, “you have many to choose from.”

They were right, there certainly were a lot of choices.  Physics Club.  No.  Anime club.  Too creepy for me.  Upholding Christian Values Club.  Definitely not.  Poetry and Literature Club.  Not a chance, my writing is shit.  I don’t think there’s anything I would enjoy.

I was just about to tell my friends I had given up when something surprising happened.  Mr. Washington had come up next to me and started talking.

“You know Alex, there is a debate team at this school that could use another member.  I thought maybe you would be interested in joining.”

“Sorry, but I don’t think I’m really cut out for a debate team,” I answered truthfully.  “I don’t really like arguments, or starting conflict.”

“I think you should at least give it a try; you can always quit if you find it’s not for you.  We have a meeting today right after school in my room.  I hope to see you there Alex.”  With that Mr. Washington walked away, and Hercules and Lafayette started talking rapidly.

“A personal invitation from Washington to join the debate team!?  That almost never happens!”

“C’est  incroyable, mon ami! You must say yes!”

“He must have seen something in you, you better be planning on going.”

“Guys...” I began.

“Just do it!” they shouted in unison.

“Guys!” I tried again.  “Calm down.  I’ll go just to see, but I really don’t think I’ll like it.  And I definitely don’t see whatever you say Mr. Washington sees in me.” 

I texted my mom to let her know that I would be staying after school for a while.  When I told her what it was for she was absolutely ecstatic.

_ Mom: I’m sooo proud of you stepping out of your comfort zone!!! _

_ It’s just to see if i like it or not it doesnt mean im joining _

_ Mom: Still, I’m glad you found something _

_ i know, i know _

_ Mom: I’ll see you later sweetheart!!! xoxoxo <3 <3 <3 _

“We have to get to class now,  _ sweetheart _ ,” Lafayette said with an evil grin

"You know you’re an asshole, right?"

"Bien sur mon ami.  Mais je sais que vous me aimes,” they called over their shoulder to me as they hurried off to class.  

“Tu le sais!” I shot back as I burst out laughing.  Hercules looked at me strangely.

“I don’t know what they’re saying half the time.  They always told me to take French but I never did.  I don’t even know how I’m still friends with them.”

“Don’t worry,” I said, “whenever they say something in French, just respond with “oui,oui, mon ami” and you’re all set.”

“Thanks for advice,” he said, simultaneously smirking and rolling his eyes.  “Now let me take you to class, you’re gonna get lost again, I just know it.”

I got through the est of the day pretty well.  Only about 180 more days like this until the summer.  Maybe I can make it.  But my day wasn’t over yet.  It was 3:00, I had just gotten out of my last class, and know I was standing in front of Mr. Washington’s classroom door.  I was about to go in, when my phone vibrated three times in quick succession.  

_ La Baguette: u better tell me what happens _

_ La Baguette: as soon as u get out _

_ La Baguette: bon chance mon ami! _

La Baguette.  Of course that’s what they set their name as.  

With Lafayette’s words of encouragement, I took a deep breath and opened the door.

“Alex!  I’m glad you decided to come after all.  This is the debate team,” he said as he motion around the room at the four students sitting on top of desks.  “As you can see, it's not exactly a large team.  Why don’t you all introduce yourselves to Alex?”

“Charles Lee.  Nice to meet you.”

“My name is Angelica Schuyler.”

“I’m Edward Stevens.”

“Hey Alex, I’m John Laurens, the debate team president.”  The last words came from a boy sitting on the desk in the center of the room.  He gave me a smile, he had really nice teeth.  And hair.  And eyes.  And basically everything.  And then he spoke again

“I really hope you decide to join, we need all the help we can get.”  He had nice voice too.  Fuck.  I’ve got to stop thinking like this.  

It’s just too weird.  

I’ll ask Lafayette for advice.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I saw the room where Alex and my lil' cinnamon roll Eliza got married, and it was perf.  
> The tour guide did this thing to show how "Flirtatious" some of hammie's letters were, so he read three of his letters and we had to guess which one was to his wife. When he was reading the second one I started screaming internally because I recognized it because it was one he wrote to Laurens (It's totally not the letter that has been the home screen on my phone for the past 2 months)  
> It was generally just awesome  
> As you can see i talk too much, so i'll stop now


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's got to be Alex's imagination, right? Why would John Laurens be into him?  
> Alex is so clueless, please forgive my son.  
> feat. texts from the squad

La baguette: _ask him out! ask him out!_

Clothing boi: _I second that_

Alex: _um no_

Alex: _I can't do that_

La baguette: _Pourquoi pas???_

Alex: _hes probs not even gay_

La baguette: _want a bet_

Clothing boi: _don’t make bets with them_

Clothing boi: _I learned the hard way_

La baguette: _you insult my honor_

Alex: _you two can duel later_

Alex: _This is more important_

Alex: _i don’t even know this guy_

Alex: _do u know anything about him_

La baguette: _not much_

La baguette: _just that he’s debate team president_

Clothing boi: _i heard he’s really into turtles_

Clothing boi: _like, really into turtles_

Alex: _i hope it’s not a creepy fetish_

Alex: _i’d be just my luck_

Alex: _the first cute boy i meet is into turtles and not guys_

La baguette: _if it’s any consolation, you’re cuter than most turtles i’ve seen_

Alex: _Most!?_

Clothing boi: _laf, i don’t think ur really helping_

La baguette: _FITE ME_

Clothing boi: _ur literally a twig_

Clothing boi: _a weird, french twig_

La baguette: _u wound me severely, mon ami_

La baguette: _i don’t think I will ever fully recover_

Clothing boi: _stop being so dramatic_

Alex: _GUYS!!!_

Alex: _stop arguing and pay attention for once_

Alex: _i need help_

Clothing boi: _all u need to do is get to know him better_

La baguette: _sit with him at lunch_

Clothing boi: _talk to him before homeroom_

La baguette: _memorize his class schedule_

Alex: _ok maybe not that_

La baguette: _it was just a suggestion_

Alex: _i don’t want to scare him away_

Clothing boi: _don’t listen to laf_

Clothing boi: _they don’t know what they’re talking about_

La baguette: _monsieur, je suis francais, je suis un expert de l'amour_

Alex: _i’m not so sure about that..._

Clothing boi: _yeah, when was the last time you had a boyfriend or a girlfriend?_

**_La baguette has left the chat_ **

Clothing boi: _they’ll be back_

Clothing boi: _once their wounded pride has been healed_

Alex: _thx for all the advice_

Alex: _I really appreciate it_

Clothing boi: _good luck_

Clothing boi: _I believe in you_

 

I came into school the next day with renewed hope and excitement.  The club meeting the day before was really just to give me a lot of papers, dates, and to tell me everything I have to do for the team.  I still don’t think I’m exactly qualified, but I don’t think I’ll be telling Mr. Washington that I won’t do it.  He kind of scares me.  Or maybe he just intimidates me.  It’s probably both.  But I can’t think about that today. Today my mission was to get close to one John Laurens.  

It turns out that would be easier than I had originally thought.  The boy who I had set my sights on had invited me to sit with him during lunch.  I was walking with Lafayette and Hercules (who seemed to have forgotten their argument over text the day before) when I heard his voice.

“Hey, Alex! Do you want to sit with me and the rest of the team at lunch today?”  I was lowkey entranced by his voice.

“You better say yes,” hissed Lafayette.

“Oh, um, well, sure i guess, of course,” I managed to stammer out.  

“Great,” he replied, as he flashed one of his dazzling smiles.”Get your lunch, then follow me.”

I followed his instructions, and met him outside the cafeteria door.

“Sometimes the team likes to meet together during lunch just to hang out, and we’re allowed to use Washington’s room instead of that crowded cafeteria.”

“Thanks for inviting me,” I said nervously, silently cursing myself for being so awkward.

“Of course,” he replied. “You’re part of the team now.”

I was kind of amazed at myself.  It was only the second day, and I already had some friends and I was part of a team.  

As we walked to Mr. Washington’s room, I was pleased to notice that I sort of recognized the path we were taking.  Maybe I would stop getting lost soon.

“Laurens, you’ve brought the new recruit with you I see,” said... what was her name?

“Of course, Angelica.  I told you I wouldn’t scare Alex off.” Angelica.  That was it.

“Alex, you can sit next to me so Laurens doesn’t try to hit on you or anything,” offered Angelica.  I must have heard her wrong.  That must be it.  I decided to forget about it.

I put my lunch tray down on the desk next to Angelica’s.  As I did, Angelica leaned over and whispered in my ear.

“Alex, just so you know, we all heard what that piece of shit Samuel Seabury said to you in English yesterday.  When we found out you’d be joining the team, we had a group discussion and decided that the best why for all of us to work together well, is for all of us to be comfortable with each other.  So, if you don’t mind of course, could you just let us know what we can do?”

I looked up at Angelica and smiled.  I was immensely grateful for her and the rest of the people on the team.

“Wow.  I mean, almost no one has ever asked me that.”

“Then you haven’t met many decent people,” replied Angelica.

I turned to address the rest of the room.

“I prefer he/him pronouns if you don’t mind.”

“Glad to hear it,” said Laurens, confusing me greatly.

“What does that mean?” I asked him.  I don’t know if I imagined it or not, but I thought I saw him starting to blush.

“I, um... just think it’s great that you can accept yourself for who you are.”  It was the first time I had seen him at a loss for words.

The rest of the team started laughing over what seemed to be an inside joke.  They knew something I didn’t.

Angelica once again leaned over once again and whispered,

“The thing with good old John Laurens, he’s just too gay to function.”  Now it was my turn to blush.

“Angelica Schuyler! Whatever you said, I know it was about me, and I know I would be offended,” called an indignant Laurens from across the room.  All Angelica did in response was roll her eyes, and flash me a knowing smile.  Nope. Nope, this isn’t happening.  This can’t be real.  I didn’t have time to think about it much longer, because just then Mr. Washington walked in.

“I’m glad you all are enjoying yourselves, and making Alex feel welcome.  I don’t want to put pressure on you so early in the school year, but you must remember that we have sectional qualifications in less than a month.  If we don’t place well we can’t move on to sectionals, and from there, nationals.”

“Don’t worry sir,” said Laures confidently, “We’ve got it all under control.

“Glad to hear that, son.  I’m counting on you to be the team to bring home that national title.  As you know, you would be-”

“The first team in the school’s history to do so,” said the entire team in almost scary unison.

“You tell us that every year,” said Edward Stevens.

“”Because I have faith that you will be the ones to do it.  And now that you have Alex, I think your chances for winning are even better.”

I still don’t understand what was so special about me.  

I looked across the room suddenly to see Laurens staring at me intently.  When he sees me looking back, he quickly shifts his gaze.  

I must be imagining it.

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did I ever mention how much I love Lafayette? Because, I love Lafayette.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A DATE???? maybe not...  
> A DEBATE???? definitely...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know anything about how debate works btw. I googled stuff.  
> This chapter is all over the place. forgive me.

“You're not imagining it.”  That was Lafayette dashing my fears. “He's probably into you you know.”  

Impossible. 

It simply just wasn't possible. 

It was two weeks into school, and I was just starting to get the hang of things. I didn't get lost that much anymore, so that means I didn't have to send frantic “SAVE ME!” Texts to Lafayette and Mulligan every hour or so. I started going to the debate team meetings that were held after school twice a week. It was still awkward for me; trying to argue with people, trying to convince them that I was right. It was defiantly easier because I was comfortable with the team. Even though, when we had to do practice debates, Charles Lee and I never agreed with me, or took the same side as me. He was the only one on the team who I haven't spoken to that much. Even when we’re not in Mr. Washington's room for lunch, Angelica has started to sit with Lafayette, Mulligan, and me in the cafeteria. We all get along really well, and it's a pleasant change from my old school, where no one would sit anywhere near me. I see Edward outside of meetings too, and we walk to class together sometimes. It seems that I have a lot in common with him, just judging by our conversations. 

And then, of course, there's Laurens. Mulligan was right about the turtle thing. One day during a study hall, I saw him take out his phone, and I saw that the case had a bunch of turtles on it. I still hope it's not a fetish.  I liked talking to him, and he’s always really nice.  I still don’t understand why anyone is nice to me.  

I haven’t done anything to deserve it.  

It was a Friday, when we had just gotten out of class, when turtle boy really surprised me.

“Alex, I was wondering if you would maybe want to go to the movies with me tonight?  Only if you want to I mean.”  He was blushing slightly and looking at the ground.  Was this a date? Was he just being friendly? What would Lafayette tell me to do?  I wish they were here right now, they always seemed to know what to do in these situations.  I decided to just trust my instinct.

“Yeah, I’d love to go.”  I was screaming internally.  Laurens started smiling and said,

“Great, It starts at 7:30.  We can meet outside the mall.”

“Awesome,” I replied, painfully aware of how awkward I sounded.

“It’s Star Wars, by the way.”

“I love Star Wars!”

“Me too.”

I wonder if there are any turtles in Star Wars.

 

La baguette: _qu’est-il arrive??????_

Clothing boi: _what happened?????_

La baguette: _i literally just asked that_

Clothing boi: _how do u expect me to understand ur language_

La baguette: _tu es sauvage_

Clothing boi: _i understood that_

La baguette: _im surprised your brain could manage it_

Alex: _im still here_

Alex: _i just went on a maybe date????? with tURTLE bOY_

Clothing boi: _ur right thats more important_

Clothing boi: _what went down_

Alex: _we met at the mall, we walked to the theater, we watched the movie_

Alex: _nothing really happened_

Alex: _he was just being friendly_

Alex: _he did make sarcastic comments throughout the movie_

Alex: _thats my kind of person_

La baguette: _low standards much_

Clothing boi: _remind me the last time a boy took you anywhere_

La baguette: _you took me to that fashion show once last year_

Clothing boi: _i dont count_

La baguette: _you’re right. u don’t_

Clothing boi: _watch it frenchie_

Alex: _why am i always stuck in the middle of these conversations_

Alex: _i exist too u know_

La baguette: _ur name in this chat is boring_

La baguette: _change it_

La baguette: _or i will_

Alex: _but i like alex_

La baguette: _boooooring_

La baguette: _vous êtes pas drôle_

Alex: _tu es étrange_

Clothing boi: _this is where i stop paying attention_

La baguette: _learn French_

 

What I didn’t tell Lafayette and Mulligan was that sometimes when I looked over at John during the movie, I saw him looking at me when he thought I wouldn’t notice.  Lafayette would have had a field day with piece of information.

 

I was standing in front of my locker one day when Angelica came up to me.

“I just wanted to remind you the the first debate competition is coming up soon.  Do you think you’re ready for anything the could throw at you?”

“Yeah, I think I’m ready.”

“Good,” Angelica continued, “I don’t want you to be nervous just because it’s your first competition.”

I was nervous though.  I hope whatever the topic was, I knew enough about to make a strong case.

 

Before I knew it, it was the day of the competition.  Sectional qualifications were being held at a  school about an hour and a half away.  We all piled into Mr. Washington’s car early on a Saturday morning.  Far too early for me.  We would normally take a bus, but because there are only five of us on the team, there’s no point.  Laurens is sitting in the passenger seat, talking on and on the Mr. Washington about debating strategies or something like that.  I was too nervous to listen, and I was too busy trying not to throw up on Angelica who was sitting next to me.  Needless to say, I don’t handle stress well.  

An hour and a half later, we were pulling into the parking lot of the other school.  Thankfully, I did not lose the contents of my stomach on the trip.  Angelica probably being the most thankful of all.  When we got into the main school building, Mr. Washington went to go register us and Laurens started in on his pep talk.

“Alright team, we’ve practiced a long time to get where we are now, so don’t blow it.  There are some schools here today whose debate teams practice everyday for three hours, but I know you guys, and I know we can do it.  Let’s get ready to win this.”  Laurens said the last part with so much determination in his eyes it almost scared me.

We were standing in an auditorium.  We were one of the last teams to go.  The team going against us looked kind of professional compared to our small group of five.  Suddenly I heard a judge's voice.

“Your topic today is,  immigration ought to be recognized as a human right.  Mr. Washington’s team will be arguing pro, and Mr. Adams team will arguing con.  You have ten minutes to discuss with your teams.  Your time begins now.”  I think I can do this one.  Because I’m new, I get assigned to present the closing statements.  I don’t mind because I don’t think I’m ready to do anything else.  When the ten minutes are up Edward gives our opening statement, and main points.  Lee, Laurens, and Angelica offer rebuttals to the other sides arguments.  It wasn’t that hard in my opinion. The other team clearly didn’t believe immigration should be a human right, and their arguments weren’t that persuasive.  One of the guys on the other team, whose name read “Donald,” seemed especially against it.  His arguments were so stupid that sometimes I couldn’t help but stifle a laugh.  But most of all, their arguments made me mad.  They just didn’t seem to care about people.  I hate those kinds of people.  Someone should teach them a lesson.  

Then, it was my turn.  The other team already presented their closing statement, and now it was my turn.  I felt faint.  I couldn’t seem to get my mouth moving.  

Deep breath.  

I gotta make my move, I can’t freeze.  I won’t let life slide.  

And then I began.  I have no idea where all this passion came from, but suddenly it all poured out.  I sounded angry.  I was.

“These are people, real people with feelings, that you are viewing as animals that need to hearded, rounded up and locked away.  These people are just looking for a chance at a new life, a better life, and you would want to just take that away?  For what?  Because you don’t want them in your country?  They make you feel “unsafe”?  What do you think your ancestors did when they came to this country? They didn’t politely ask Native Americans for a little land.  They murdered.  Those are the kind of immigrants that I would be frightened of.  Not innocent people just looking for a place to call home.  It should be a human right because anyone who disagrees is practically stating that they don’t view immigrants as real humans.”  

Another deep breath.  

“Thank you for your time.”  

Stares from the audience.  

Stares from the judges.  

Stares from the opposing team and from my team alike.  

Whoops.  

I don’t think I’ve talked that much all at once in my entire life.  Finally, the audience started clapping, and everyone relaxed their stares.  We got off the stage.

“Alex!  Jesus Christ!  I didn’t know you had that in you!”  Angelica practically screamed.  

“I don’t I’ve been more surprised in my entire life!”  That came from Laurens, who was jumping around excitedly.  “Did you see the other teams faces?  You totally smashed them!”  The entire team was congratulating me.  It felt weird.  Mr. Washington came over next.

“I knew you wouldn’t disappoint.  But I do believe you might have gone slightly over the time limit.”

One hour later, we were back in the same auditorium.  This time however, we were sitting in the seats facing up to the stage.

“The top five teams here today, will be moving on to the sectional competition that will be held  in three months.  So, without further delay, here are today’s highest scoring teams.”  I held my breath.  “In fifth place... Kings Public High School.”  That was us.  Oh.  My.  God.  That was us.  The team got up, and went up the steps to the stage to claim our prize.  It was only a small trophy, but it seemed special to me.  They called the rest of the winners.  I’m not dissapointed that we didn’t get first, I was just happy we got to move on at all.

“Before you go,” the announcer began, “We would at this time like to recognize two students that showed particularly outstanding skills.  The first is Thomas Jefferson.”  I saw a member of the team that won first place stand up and walk to the front of the room.  Everyone was cheering loudly.  Nobody looked surprised that his name was called.  He certainly didn’t.  

“The next person surprised everyone, including I think, their own teammates.  This student showed unimaginable passion for their argument, so we would like to recognize... Alex Hamilton.”

What?  That was my name.  Why?  Suddenly I felt Laurens pushing me out of my seat, towards the front.  People were applauding.  For me?  This was very different.  I don’t know if I like it.

  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Virtual cupcakes will be sent to anyone who noticed the In The Heights reference in this chapter :))))) jfc i'm trash


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was sooo smart in deciding to write about a subject I know absolutely nothing about. Sometimes google can’t always save the day. If anyone wants to yell at me on tumblr for messing everything up (or tell me how debate actually works) you’re more than welcome.  
> you can find me at lost-in-alltimelow.tumblr.com

 

After what happened at the competition, I felt like the rest of the team treated me differently.  Not in a bad way, it was just different.  I don’t think they all really believed Mr. Washington when he told them that I had something special to bring to the team.  I think I surprised myself the most.  I never did stuff like that.  My mom was so happy when I told her.

“I always knew that you could do it,” she told me. “When you were little, I could never get you to stop talking.  I don’t know what happened.”  I know what happened.  But I don’t like remembering.  It easier, and it hurts less if I don’t think about that.  Ever.  

* * *

 

When I got back to school, Lafayette and Mulligan were adamant about throwing me a party.

“This is big for you Alex, you said it yourself, you never do stuff like that,” Mulligan exclaimed.

“And any reason to have a party is a good enough reason for me,” added Lafayette.  “It would just be the three of us, and we could go over to my place.”

“I don’t really need a party- we didn’t even get first place.”

“But you, mon ami, stood out from the crowd.”

“And,” continued mulligan, “you’re coming no matter what.”

“Tomorrow after school we can meet up and walk to my house.  If you don’t show up, I will find you, and drag you by the hood of your sweatshirt all the way there.”

“Your threats don’t work on me.  I know you’re not strong enough to manage that.”

“Have you noticed how short you are, mon ami?”

“Literally fight me.”

“I would, but that requires--how you say? Ah yes, physical activity.”

“You’re literally worse than me,” I told them while I started to pack my bag for my next class.  “I thought I was the only person who was that lazy.”

“You?  Lazy?” Mulligan asked incredulously.  “I’ve seen the homework you turn in, it must take you all night to finish.  Some of that shit is like twenty pages long.”

“It’s not that long, and besides, I want to get full credit.”

“Whatever you say, nerd.”  That earned him a small shove in the arm.

* * *

 

“Come on Alex!  You walk far too slowly,” urged Lafayette, who was practically dragging me down the sidewalk to their house.

“Are you sure you’re parents are alright with this?” I asked again.

“Of course!  I told them about you, and they’re are more than happy to have you.”

After about five more minutes of being dragged along the sidewalk, Lafayette, Mulligan, and I came to a sudden stop.

“Nous sommes ici!”

It was a nice house, with three floors, and vines covering the outside walls. It looked like a real home.

“Maman!  Papa!  I’m home!”

“Coming!” I heard a woman's voice say from the second floor. “How's it going guys?” Said the woman who I assumed was Lafayette's mother when she came down the stairs. She came up to me and put her hand on my shoulder and said, “You must be the Alex Hamilton that I've been hearing about so much about.  I'm glad to have you here.”

“Ah, so you’re the debate team star,” came the voice of Lafayette’s father from down the hall.  

Wow.  Their parents were surprisingly... not French.

When he finally made his way into the room I said,

“I think Lafayette has been exaggerating my eloquence.  My syntax is not highly complicated."

“You just used the words eloquence and syntax in a sentence, I think my descriptions of you were more than accurate.”

“We have food for you in the kitchen,” said Lafayette’s mother, gesturing down the hallway.  “You can help yourselves to anything you want.”

The kitchen was beautiful, well lit with huge windows, and shiny countertops.  And there was a lot of food.

“I was adopted,” said Lafayette rather suddenly.  “I could tell you were wondering why my parents aren’t French, when I clearly am.  I could have told you, but I like watching people’s faces as they try to figure it out,” they said mischievously.  That made more sense.

After we raided the kitchen, we made our way up to Lafayette’s room.  Their room was a lot to take in all at once.  Each wall was painted a different color; deep purple, electric blue, sea foam green, and the most vibrant orange I had ever seen.  I didn’t really expect anything different from their room.  The three of us sat on the floor in the center of the room.  We had multiple bags of chips, popcorn, and various other unhealthy items that my mother would certainly not approve of me eating so much of.  But it was a party after all.  We sat there and played Cards Against Humanity until we were all laughing so much that our sides hurt.  We sat there and talked on and on about the weirdest stuff.  We sat there, and I knew, that this was the most fun I’ve ever had.

I almost didn’t want to leave, but it was getting late, and my mom told me to be back by 9:00.  I said goodbye to everyone, and said thank you to Lafayette’s parents.

“Are you sure you don’t want one of us to walk you home?” asked their mother worriedly.

“Don’t worry,” I assured her.  “My house is only like a block away, and I have my cell phone with me.”

“Alright, stay safe,” she called as I made my way out the door. I stepped out into the cool night air.

The leaves on the trees were just beginning to turn from the vibrant green, to the equal beautiful colors of autumn.  For once in my life I was completely happy.  Right now, I had everything going for me, and I could forget every bad thing that had ever happened.  I had to, or being happy like this was never going to last.  It was at this very moment that I decided that my past wasn’t going to hold me back anymore.  For the first time I’m thinking past tomorrow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I almost made something bad happen to Alex while he was walking home. I was soooo close, but then im like, nah i'll save that for later
> 
> p.s. sorry for all the references, i'm still trash


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 8, and I still don't know why I decided to write this in 1st person  
> There is a quick switch to Laurens' pov at the end, it's labeled and everything cus i'm a professional (I hope it's not too confusing)

 

“Alex?  I was wondering of you might want to stay with my family over break?  It's kind of a tradition with the debate team.” It was the beginning of December, and Angelica had approached me after math one day. “My father said he’d be happy to have you all there, if it's alright with your parents, of course.”

“It's just my mom.”  I guess I said that a bit too forlornly, because Angelica looked apologetic. 

“Oh, sorry, I didn't know.”

“That's fine,” I assured her. “I'd love to go, I'll just ask my mom. I don't think she'll have a problem with it. It's not like we do much during break anyway.”

“Great! My family will be excited to meet you, I've told them a lot about you.”

What is it about me that makes people want to tell their families about me?

 

When I asked my mom about it, she said that of course I could go. I think she's happier than me that I have friends. 

* * *

 

“What do you mean that you're leaving us!?” Lafayette practically screamed when I told them and Mulligan my plans for break.

“Chill. I'll be coming back. It's not like I'm leaving you forever.”

“Yes, but you're leaving us to spend your winter vacation at  _ the Schuyler Mansion _ .”

“Wait. Angelica didn't say anything about a mansion.”

“It might not be a mansion by today's standards,” explained Mulligan. “But a long time ago it was some high class shit. It's passed down through generations.”

Lafayette was still clearly upset by my news. 

“I had so many plans for us Alex. All of them. Ruined,” they exclaimed with a dramatic sigh. “I could have taken you to that Broadway show you wanted to see. You know, the one about history or something.”

“I appreciate the thought,” I said, “but I'm pretty sure that show is sold out through next year anyway.”

“Still,” they continued with a pout, “you have dashed my hopes and dreams, mon ami.”

“I promise we can do something when I get back.”  They seemed satisfied when I told them that.

* * *

 

The Schuyler’s house truly was beautiful.  But more than just the outside appearance, it was beautiful because it was full of life.  Angelica had seven siblings, all of them younger than her, so there was never a dull moment in the house, and it was certainly never quiet.  I had never been a fan of big crowds and loud noises, but there was something that I loved about it at the same time.  It almost made we wish that my home could be like that.  But I knew it never could.  

John Laurens and I were the only other members of the team that could make it; Lee and Stevens both had other plans.

“Honestly,” began Laurens when we first arrived, “I was just glad to have an excuse to be away from father for a while.”  He laughed bitterly, disdain for his father evident in his voice.  I wanted to know more, but I decided it was best not to pressure him for information.  If he wanted to say any more, then he would.  But I understood what he meant when he said he just wanted to get away.  There are so many things that I wish I could get away from.

It was easy to forget all about your problems when you were with the Schuylers.  Eliza was the second oldest, just a year younger than Angelica, so she was the same age as me.  Eliza was one of the nicest people I have ever met, and not to mention she was drop dead gorgeous.  And then there was Peggy.  They were the first to introduce themself to me by quickly meeting me at the door as soon as I walked in.

“I’m Peggy Schuyler,” they stated boldly, “I’m agender, and use they/them pronouns, and if you don’t like that I will fight you.  Or Angelica, she will definitely fight you.  Even Eliza would, even though she’s a total cinnamon roll.  Don’t underestimate the Schuylers.”  They spoke fast, hardly ever stopping for breath.  I immediately liked them.

I was quickly introduced to the rest of the family, and then Angelica ushered me and Laurens up the large staircase.  

“I forgot to mention, you two will have to share a room,” Angelica stated while opening the door to a brightly lit room with blue walls.  It also only had one bed.

“Um... Angelica?” I began hesitantly.

“There’s only one bed in there,” said Laurens, apparently not sharing any of my hesitation.  

“We’re a bit short on rooms currently, and there aren’t any more beds.  You two can decide which one of you want to sleep on the floor.”

Laurens and I looked at each other, and shared a nervous glance.

“Or you could both level up and sleep in the same bed.  I know.  The horror.  The calamity,” she deadpanned.  

“Well, I for one am not sleeping on the floor for two weeks,” said John, much to my dismay.  I hated sleeping on the floor.  “So, which side do you want, Alex?” he continued.  I looked over him with shock evident on my face.  What?  Was he seriously suggesting that?  I mean, it was a big enough bed, I know we could both fit, but still.

“What, do I not meet your standards?” he said jokingly.  “I’ll take a shower if that’s what you want.”  

“The right side,” I said with sudden confidence.  “I’ll take the right side.”

“Glad you two lovebirds finally figured it out,” Angelica said with a wink, as she turned on her heel and left us both blushing furiously, and staring intently at our shoes.  I prayed for something to break the awkward silence.  My prayers were answered when I suddenly heard a loud bell clanging from downstairs.

“Dinner is ready!”  It was Angelica’s mother, trying to round up everyone in the house.  Laurens and I put our bags down, and headed back down the stairs.  We still didn’t say a word. 

For the entire time I’ve known him, I can’t stop thinking about him, and now I have to share a bed with him?  This was not going to be easy.

* * *

 

We had finally said goodnight to everybody, which was quite a process considering the large amount of people contained in the house, and Laurens and I made our way back to our shared room.  He started to take off his shirt, and I made a beeline for the bathroom.  I would just get changed in there.  When I was done, I peered around the bathroom door, just to be sure that Laurens was fully clothed.  He was, so I came back into the room.  He was just getting into bed.  I noticed that he took his curly hair out of its normal ponytail.  I had a newfound appreciation of just how nice his hair really was.  I made my way to the bed, and pulled down the sheets on the right side.  I climbed in, aware that he was watching me out of the corner of his eye.  He really did have nice eyes.

“Goodnight.”

“Goodnight.”

* * *

 

_ Laurens’ POV _

I was changing for bed, I took off my shirt, and Alex immediately raced to the bathroom.  I hope I didn’t make him uncomfortable.  That’s the last thing I want.  I finished changing, and Alex still hadn’t returned.  I couldn’t keep my mind off of that quiet boy who never ceased to amaze me.  Ever since I saw him for the first time, I couldn’t stop thinking about him.  HIs eyes, that looked so fiery and passionate, that didn’t quite match his shy personality.  His smile, that he small grin he would do when he thought that nobody was looking.  I seriously need to stop.  What would my father say?  I’d rather not think about that.  

When Alex came back I was just getting into bed.  I noticed he kept his hair tied back into his usual ponytail.  His hair looked so soft.  Would it be weird for me to tell him that?  Probably.  He made his way to the bed, and pulled down the covers.  I couldn’t help but watch him out of the corner of my eye.  I hope he doesn’t notice.

“Goodnight.”

“Goodnight.”  

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a note on the Schuyler children: Philip Schuyler and his wife Catherine had a total of 15 kids, but only 8 of them lived to adulthood, so that's why I said there were 8 of them. The three oldest girls were Angelica, Eliza, AND PEGGY; the two youngest girls were Cornelia and Catherine(kitty); and the boys were John and Philip. (i has much smart)


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just two bros... having a good bro time...

I woke up the next morning in sort of a foggy haze. For a second I couldn't remember where I was. Why was there an arm draped over my shoulder?  Then I remembered. I knew who that arm belonged to. John Laurens. I froze. My breathing slowed to such a slow rate, I wasn't even sure I was still breathing. I could feel the warmth radiating off of his arm, it was comforting, so I didn't want to wake him. I knew that it was an accident and he had probably just rolled over in his sleep, but I couldn't help but wish that he had done it on purpose. I felt him shift in his sleep, getting ever so closer to me. I never wanted to get up. I never wanted to lose this moment. But all too soon, I heard him groan slightly, and he stretched as he woke up. He opened his eyes and immediately saw where his arm was, so he retracted it quickly. 

“Sorry,” he mumbled sleepily. 

“That's alright,” I replied. What I wanted to say was, ‘you don't have to move,’ but I knew I shouldn't. He doesn't like me that way. He's not stupid. No one is stupid enough to like me like that. But did I like him?  Definitely. At first I wasn't sure, but know I knew for certain. I couldn't stop thinking about John Laurens.  Everything about him, his bouncey hair, and all of those freckles, they ruined my life.  But there really wasn’t anyone who I’d rather have ruin my life.

At breakfast the first morning we were all jammed together at the table in the Schuyler's’ dining room.  I saw Eliza smiling at me from across the table.  I think Peggy was throwing shade at people on Twitter.  Angelica, who sat at the head of the table, had a satisfied smirk on her face when she looked at my and John sitting next to each other.  I don’t know what she thinks she’s doing.

After we had finished eating, Angelica stood up and announced,

“Alex, John, and I are going for a walk.  Eliza, you can come with us as well, if you want to.”

“I’d love to go,” Eliza replied with her soft, almost angelic voice.

“Can I come too?” asked an excited voice.  It was one of the youngest kids, Kitty, and she looked up at Angelica pleadingly. 

“Not right now Kit Kat,” Angelica said, to Kitty’s obvious disappointment.  “Big kids only, but I promise I’ll go on a walk with you some other time.”

Angelica’s answer seemed to pacify the little girl, because with a nod, she bounded out of the dining room and up the stairs.  “You guys can go get your coats, I’ll wait for you by the door.”  I sincerely hope that the eldest Schuyler didn’t have some hidden agenda that she planned to carry out on this “walk”.

“Angelica seems unusually happy today,” said John when we got back to our room to get our coats.  “And usually when she’s like that, she’s up to no good.”

* * *

 

_ *Angelica’s POV* _

I was with Eliza by the door for Alex and John to come back.  

God.  Those two are such idiots.  It was so obvious to me, and I’m sure to everybody else, that those two were in love.  Everybody, of course, except them.  In school, they couldn’t take their eyes off of each other.  And I was frankly getting a little sick of those hopeless romantic glances that they gave each other when they thought the other wasn’t looking.  I wasn’t forcing them to be together.  I was just helping along something that would have happened eventually.  I wasn’t lying when I told them that there weren’t any extra rooms, I just didn’t try as hard as I could have to fix the problem.  I could have asked some of the younger kids to share so Alex and John could have their own rooms, but why miss this perfect opportunity for a little bonding between them.  I’m sure that last night they were as far away from each other in the bed as they could be, without one of them falling off, but after a few days that might change.  I can always tell when a person wants to be with someone else, and it was especially clear with Alex and John.  I had to do something that would make them realize that they both felt the same way about each other

__

* * *

 

_ *back to Alex’s POV* _

The cold and windy New York air hit me like a speeding train as soon as we got outside.  Despite the frigid temperature, it was sort of refreshing.  We walked for a few minutes, talking about random topics.  Eventually we found a cafe, and Angelica suggested that we go in.

“You and John can get a table,” Angelica said, addressing me.  “I need to use the restroom.  Eliza is coming with me.”

“But I don’t--”

“Eliza is coming with me,” Angelica repeated, shooting her sister a look that clearly meant that she needed her to go along with her plan.  Whatever that was.

“Was that weird, or was that just me?” I asked, breaking the silence as John and I sat down at a booth by the window.

“No, you were right, that was definitely weird.”

“she must be up to something, and whatever it is, it involves us.  And now she’s involving Eliza.”

I nodded in agreement.

“Angelica Schuyler is probably the most deceptive person I have ever met, and she always seems to know what’s going on with everybody else.”

“I just wish I knew what was happening,” said John, sharing my sentiments.

“So,” I said, trying to change the subject to something less mysterious.  “Are you excited for our next competition?”

“Yeah, I think we have a good chance of winning, especially with you on the team.”  He smiled.  I melted.  I know, cliche romance, but when it’s actually happening to you it feels different.  More real.  But one thing they don’t mention in cliche romances, is how much it hurts when the other person doesn’t feel the same way.  It stings, I could feel it in my chest.  I needed to stop thinking about it.

Soon Angelica and Eliza came back from whatever they were doing in the bathroom.  Probably conspiring against us or something.  A waiter can over to take our orders.  I always ordered whatever I could find that had the most caffeine.  I had a somewhat irregular sleep pattern.

“So what did you guys talk about while we were gone?” asked Angelica.

“Oh, you know,” said John with a grin.  “Just bro stuff.  Just two bros having a good bro time.”

“John Laurens, you are trash, you know that right?” asked Angelica, rolling her eyes.

“I might be trash, but at least I’m cute as hell.”

Well, I couldn’t argue with that. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you hadn't noticed already, I'm bad at writing long chapters, but that means that there will be more of them.
> 
> When will my Sinning™ end? Probably never.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one's short but sweet.  
> Okay, I don't really have an excuse for how short this is.

*John’s POV*

Angelica cornered me in the hallway on our last day at the Schuyler Mansion.  

“Laurens, you are going to listen to me.  I can tell that you have fallen “madly in love” with Alex or whatever, but honestly all this unresolved sexual tension is getting kind of annoying.”

“I don’t--” I tried to start defending myself, but was cut off.

“Don’t even try to deny it.  I see the way you look at him.  You have to tell him, and you are going to tell him sooner rather than later.  Meaning today.  You are telling him today.”

“But I can’t do that, he doesn’t even feel the same way,” I said, deciding not to deny my feelings any longer. Angelica already knew. 

“Well you’ll never know unless you try.  And don’t worry about when you’re going to tell him; I have that all worked out.  Just trust me.  You’ll have the perfect time and place.  All you have to do is make your move.”

I don’t know.  What if he really doesn’t like me, what if it ruins our friendship, what if--

“You can do it Laurens.  It’s now or never.  Someone prettier than you might come along and steal his heart.  You just have to steal it first.”

I guess I can do it.  What have I got to lose?  Maybe my best friend.

* * *

* * *

*Alex’s POV*

It was our last day at the Schuyler Mansion, and Angelica was going to make sure that it was unforgettable.  I loved being there with so many people.  After two weeks, it almost started to feel like home.  Even Angelica’s father was fond of like me, and he didn’t seem like the kind of person who was always very warm and welcoming.

“There are some people that Angelica brings home that I don’t always approve of,” he told me one day at the dinner table.  “But you are different, Alex.  I like you.”

So that’s why on my last day, I was not looking forward to leaving.

“I’m going to make sure that today is the best day ever,” Angelica told me and John that morning.  “You’ll never forget it.”

I was unsure about what she had planned, but I trusted her.  For the entire time we were here, she was always thinking about things that we could do together.  It had already been two of the best weeks in my life.  

“I’m taking you guys to the park.  This evening, right before it gets dark.”  The park?  Really?  It seemed almost anticlimactic after all of the other things we had been doing during our vacation.  I guess I’d just have that Angelica knew what she was doing.  It might have been my imagination, but I thought I saw Angelica and John share a small glance.  Probably my imagination.  

It was 4:30 when Angelica told us to grab our jackets.  We set out on foot, Angelica leading the way as always, with me and John trailing behind.  It was especially hard for me to keep up with Angelica’s long strides.  It’s not my fault I’m short.  We finally reached the park, and I could see why Angelica had wanted to come here with us.  It really was beautiful.  Even in the winter, the trees still had a certain magnificence about them.  The lake was frozen over, the ice shining in the last light of the day.  It got dark so early, but we could see the sun setting over the Albany skyline.  It was picture perfect.  It was also incredibly quiet.  I guess a lot of people don’t like going to parks on cold winter evenings.  I think they are missing out on a lot.  BUt I was glad that we had it all to ourselves.  Suddenly a vibrating sound disturbed to peaceful mood.

“Oh hey Eliza,” Angelica said as she answered.  “You need me to come home?  You need my help with something?  I can be there in ten minutes.  Okay, I’ll see you then.  Bye.”

“Is something wrong?” I asked worriedly.

“No, nothing like that, Eliza just needs my help with something.  You know how younger siblings can be.”  

No I don’t. 

“I don’t want to ruin your last day here, so if you two want you can stay here for a while and then walk back.  Do you think you can manage to find your way back.”

“Of course,” said John.  “We’ll be back soon. If we don't get lost of course.”  And with that, Angelica left.

“Do you want to sit on that bench over there?” he asked me, motioning to the the edge of the lake, where a single stone bench stood.

“Sure.”  The bench was cold on the back of my legs.  The bench wasn’t that wide, so we had to sit with our legs touching.

“I’m going to miss it here,” said John, looking out onto the frozen water.

“Me too.”

The two of sat there watching the lake, watching the clouds that our breath made in the cold air, watching time continue all around us while we were seemingly frozen in this one moment. 

“Alex?”  He broke the silence. Time continued to move once again.

“Yeah?”

“I have a question for you.  Do you-- well what I mean is-- I don't really know how to ask.  I guess this will have to do.”  He moved closer to me and leaned over.

And then his lips were on mine. I almost pulled back in surprise. But I'm glad I didn't. Before I know it, I'm kissing him back as he runs his hand through my hair. I can't feel the cold anymore; everything is warm now. He stops eventually, pulling away from my face slightly but resting his hand on my shoulder. 

“Oh my god Alex, I shouldn't have done that, I'm so sorry.  You probably don't even like me like that.”

I looked straight into his eyes. 

“Laurens, I like you a lot.”

He smiled.  One of those beautiful smiles of his that I loved so much.  His lips met mine again, this time with his hands holding my face, bringing it closer to him, and I felt like I was home.  Like I was safe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My children are finally together. All is well.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter uses homophobic slurs. It also has sort of referenced abuse.

We didn't tell Angelica what happened at the lake, but I knew that she knew. She always knew. 

It was Sunday, we went back to school tomorrow.  John and I decided not to tell anyone what had happened between us.  What  _ did _ happen between us?  What are we?  I didn’t want to think about it, I just wanted everything to stay the same.  Perfect.  I felt bad not telling Lafayette and Mulligan about me and Laurens; they had always been there for me, and I knew that they would want to know.  But I wasn’t ready.  Not yet.

La baguette: _you have to tell us everything!!!_

Clothing boi: what did you do?

La baguette: _what was the mansion like?_

Clothing boi: _more importantly what were their CLOTHES like_

La baguette: _calm down mon ami_

La baguette: _and you say I'm the strange one_

Hammie: _I'll tell you guys tomorrow_

Hammie: _I've got stuff to do right now_

* * *

 

Monday morning. Mondays were hard enough already, but they were ever harder since we just got back from break. John met me outside the school at 7:30. 

“My father wants to meet you.”  He did not sound happy at all. “Don't worry,” he added hurriedly.  “I didn't tell him about... us.  He just knows that you're new, and that you're on the debate team. It should be fine.” He didn't sound very sure of himself. “My dad will pick you up in his car tonight around seven. Do you have a suit? My father is kind of traditional, he likes it when people dress up to meet him.” He was talking very fast, and nervously. 

“Yeah, I have a suit. Let me just give you my address.”  It would be dark, so he wouldn't be able to see my house very well. Just like I wanted. My house isn't exactly... Beautiful by any means. 

“Great. Then I'll see you tonight.  Oh, there’s one more thing.  I’d like to apologize in advance for anything that my father says.  We don’t exactly see eye to eye on a lot of things.”

“I’m sure I’ll be fine.  See you later.”  I hope I’ll be fine.

* * *

 

“So absolutely nothing interesting happened?  At all?”  Lafayette had immediately started peppering me with questions. 

“It's not that it wasn't interesting, it was just sort of a normal vacation.”  Then Lafayette and Mulligan started going into great detail about all the things they had done. I was happy to listen, I just wished that i was able to tell them everything I did. 

I stood just outside my door that night, shivering in the January air.  In the dark, I soon saw a pair of headlights fast approaching.  It was a very nice car.  John got out of the passenger seat door, and smiled when he saw me.  He opened the backdoor for me.

“You look great,” he told me, his voice not much louder than a whisper.

“So do you,” I told him.  I stepped into the car, John closed the door behind me and then slipped back into the passenger seat.

“Hello Alexander,” came a stiff voice from the driver’s seat.  “My son has told me great things about you.”  The rest of the car ride was strangely silent.  Neither John nor his father said a word.  

Fifteen minutes of the awkward silence, and we pulled up in front of an elegant house.  The inside was just as elegant, but it felt strangely cold and unwelcoming.  It was not the kind of place that I had pictured John living in.  But it did remind me of my own home in a way.  The dining room seemed if possible, even more unfriendly.  During dinner, Mr. Laurens grilled me about my life, my parents, my school work.  I tried to avoid the questions about my home life.  Nobody needed to know about that.  At one point, I excused myself to go to the bathroom, really all I needed to do was take a break from the incessant questions.

* * *

 

_ *John’s POV* _

Alex excused himself to go to the bathroom.  I felt so bad for him, the questions from my father were unbearable.  I would know, he basically interrogates me every day.  I hoped that Alex would be back soon, I hate being alone in the same room as my father for too long.

“John, I hope you don’t get involved with all of that transgender nonsense.” Well, that was out of the blue.  Why would he say that now?  He couldn’t know about Alex, could he?  I mean, my father often tried to force what he believed on me, so I guess it wasn’t too strange.  “There’s something almost,  _ feminine _ about that boy,” he continued.

Shit.  I really hope he doesn’t know.  I don’t want him to take anything out on Alex.  Just nod and pretend to agree.  Don’t say anything.  I wish I could stick up for him.  But I can’t say anything my father wouldn’t agree with.  

Alex was back soon enough, and I relaxed just a bit.  I hoped my father didn’t say anything to him like what he had said before.  Thankfully he didn’t, and we made it through dinner in relative peace.

“Thank you very much for dinner,” Alex said to my father as he prepared to leave.  “I can walk home myself, I know the way.”

“It was very nice to meet you Alexander.  John, why don’t you escort our guest outside.”

“Sure.”  I motioned for Alex to follow me.  I walked him to the end of our driveway

“Be safe.  Text me as soon as you get home.  Goodnight Alex.”  I kissed him, my hand on his back.  I immediately felt better.  But then I heard the front door of my house slam. I turned. My father was shouting.  Fuck.  He had been watching.

“John Laurens!” He grabbed my arm. 

“I  did not raise you like this!  How dare you disrespect me like that?!  I’ll deal with you later”  He pulled me off of the sidewalk and onto the lawn.  “And you,” he spat in Alex’s direction  “Never come near my son again, is that clear?  I am very influential around here, and I can make your life living Hell if I find out you’ve been seeing him.  You filthy fag.”

That was it.  I tried to break free of my father’s grip.  I tried to reach out for Alex, but I couldn’t get free of my father.  I turned and elbowed him in the stomach, and he finally let go.  But it was too late.  Alex had already started running down the street.  I tried to call out after him but my voice cracked, and I started crying.  I fell onto my knees.

“Get up.  I’m not finished with you.”

* * *

 

_ *Alex’s POV* _

“Why didn’t you tell us?  I thought that we were friends.”  Lafayette had heard.  Everyone had heard.  Apparently word had gotten around about how politician's son John Laurens was gay.  And that I was the one he was with.

“We still are.  I just- I don’t know why I couldn’t tell you guys.  I wasn’t ready.”

“Well then, I’ll let you know when I’m  _ ready _ to talk to you again.”  That one hurt the most.  I looked over at Mulligan, searching for sympathy, finding none.  They both left.  

I was alone.  

Again.  

I was right back where I had started.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You didn't really think it could be happy all the time, did you?


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Angelica is Lams trash #1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It took me a while to update because I decided to rewrite this entire chapter. I'm still not very happy with it, but it's something.

John and I were sitting at the base of the old oak tree behind the school. He had his arms wrapped around me, his head leaning on my shoulder.  We decided that this was the safest place to meet, because we didn't know who in the school might see something and tell John’s father. No one ever came back here. 

“I'm so sorry Alex,” John whispered into my ear for what must have been the hundredth time. 

“It's okay, it's okay.”  I comforted him again. I knew that he blamed himself. It wasn't his fault his father was an asshole. 

“What are we going to do?  My dad literally won't let me go anywhere anymore. As soon as school ends I have to go straight home.   I'm only allowed to stay after for debate. I think he's going to send me to one of those church therapy groups or something.”

“It's going to fine, just don't do anything to make him even more angry and everything will be alright.”

“I really hope so. I never want to stop being around you, Alex. No matter what my father says.”

“I'll always be here.”

“Thank you.”

“Thank _ you _ .”

A quick kiss, and then we had to go back. Back to where we had to pretend not to notice each other. 

Angelica tried to help us anyway she that she could. We had told her what happened, and she looked so pissed, I thought she was going out to kill Henry Laurens.

* * *

 

In a few days, it was time for the debate sectionals.  I don't think we were anywhere near good enough. Not in the state that John was in.  We just barely made it to nationals but that was mostly because of the other members of the team; neither John nor I were at our best. The team that Thomas Jefferson was on won again.  I don’t know why, but for some reason I just don’t trust him.  Nationals were being held in the spring, so that gave us more time to try and work everything out. 

There really was a lot to work out. I'm pretty sure a lot of the school knew what had happened, and it was hard to deal with all of their stares. It would be easier if I had Lafayette and Mulligan with me. 

We were in debate one day after school when Charles Lee decided to speak his mind about this whole thing. 

“In my opinion, your father was completely right about what he said.  I never was very comfortable having one of  _ those _ on the team,” he looked at me, “but I never thought you’d be into that lifestyle.”

“You could keep your opinions to yourself you know,” Angelica said immediately.

“It alright, I’ll take care of this,” John said, getting out of his chair, and walking across the room to where Lee sat.  “You will never say something like that about me, or Alex, or anybody.  Understand?”

“What are going to do to stop me?”

“This.”  And then John punched him, hitting him right across the mouth.  And of course, that’s when Mr. Washington had to walk in.  

“Laurens!  Lee!  What is going on here?  The rest of you can leave, you two will stay.  Angelica, Stevens, and I filed out of the classroom.  I looked over my shoulder to where John stood.  I hoped he didn’t get into too much trouble.  When we were out in the hallway Angelica turned to me and said,

“Don’t worry, he’s going to be fine.  Washington won’t be too mad, not after what Lee said about you guys.  If John hadn’t punched him, I probably would have.”

“Thanks.”

“No problem.  When he comes out, do you want me to tell him to meet you by the tree?”

“Yeah, that would be great.”

Angelica smiled.  

“Anything for you.”

Fifteen minutes later I saw John approaching the tree. 

“So, how did it go?”

“I got after school detention for three weeks.”

“That's too bad.”

“I thought so too, but then Washington kicked Lee off of the team, and it was definitely worth it.”

“But won’t that be a problem for nationals?”

“Honestly, he wasn’t even that good, he just thought that he was.  We’re just going to have to work extra hard.  Won’t be able to just get by like we did in sectionals.”

“I’ll try.”

John put his arm around me, bringing me closer.  I buried my face into his neck.

“You know Alex, we’re going to get through this.  Together.”

“Together.”

* * *

 

_ *two weeks later* *aka unnecessary time jump* _

I was in the bathroom alone, until I heard the door opening and then closing quickly.

“Alex?  Are you in there?”

“Laf?  Is that you?”  Of course it was.  No one else had that kind of an accent.  I missed hearing it over the past few weeks.

“I’m really sorry Alex.  I know how rough this has been for you, and I know I should have been there for you.  Pardonnez-moi s'il vous plaît.”

“Je comprends.  It’s alright.  I missed you guys a lot.”

“Is there anything I can do for you to make it up to you?”

“Well, there is this one thing.”

“How did you manage this?”  We were sitting at the dining room table in Lafayette’s house.  They told me that their parents would be away, and that they could arrange it so that me and John would just “happen” to be there at the same time.

“I have my ways.”  John doesn’t need to know how I did it.  All that matters is that we’re together, and for once, we’re not stuck sitting under a tree in the cold.  Laf told me that they planned to stay in their room so that we could have our “alone time” or whatever.

“Just no sex on the couch, mon ami,” they told me the day before.  “You can do it on the floor, but just remember to use protection.”  I had no plans of anything like that.  I hated that It took so much work and planning for us just to be together, but it’s worth it.  

I'm just glad we can be together at all.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See, things are starting to get better. Besides, I couldn't make Alex be sad for much longer.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> *necessary tragic backstory*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had an English essay to write, so I'm behind on this.

“Come on, it will only be for like an hour or two,” Mulligan tried to persuade me for the millionth time. 

“Can't we just meet at one of you guy’s house?”

“My parents are both out of town,” said Lafayette matter of factly.

“Mine are going out for dinner tonight. And this project needs to be done by tonight.”  We were all in the same group for a science project, and the deadline was looming very close. I knew we had to work on it after school, I just don't want them seeing where I live. 

“Is your mom not okay with it or something?”

“No, it's just-- nothing. It's nothing. You guys can come over after school if you want.”

“Alright, we’ll see you then, bro.”

There was just too much about my family that I didn't want them to find out about. I'll have to tell mom to be careful about what she says to them about me. I'm afraid if they find out, they won't like me anymore. 

“Lead the way, Alex,” said Lafayette, gesturing ahead of them. My house was about a twenty minute walk from the school, and when I told Lafayette this information, they were quite shocked. 

“You mean to tell me, that every day you walk twenty minutes just to get to school?”

“It's really not even that far, and besides, I like the walk, it gives me time to think about things.”

“Whatever you say. I still think you're weird for actually enjoying walking.”

“Stop complaining, we’re going to be there soon anyway.”

Soon enough we were there. For some reason, it looked even smaller than usual.  It wasn't terrible by any means; I had gotten used to it long ago. It just still didn't really feel like home. Not that my old house felt much like a home or anything. Not with my father around. I always felt so uncomfortable when he walked into the room, I'm almost glad that I left. But I do still sometimes miss my mom. My real mom.

“Alex! How was your day?  You must be Lafayette and Hercules.  Alex has told me so much about you both!”  My mom spoke quickly, a seemingly endless rush of chatter.

“Oui Madame.  Alex has told us many things about you as well.  All of them good, of course.”  They flashed an award winning smile.  They could literally charm anyone.

“I’m so glad that Alex was able to find friends like the two of you so quickly.  Especially since everything that’s been happening.  It has always been hard for him to get close to anyone in a while.  After what happened with his father, I don’t blame him.”

“Mom,” I snapped, “I thought we agreed that you wouldn’t say anything about that.  Remember?”

“I don’t really see why you don’t want anyone to know.  It’s not your fault or anything.”  Lafayette and Mulligan were standing next to me and my mom, looking back and forth between us, understandably confused looking.

“Alex, it’s alright if there’s something you don’t want to tell us, but just know, whatever it is, it won’t change what we think about you.”  I literally have the best friends ever.  I couldn’t risk losing them.

“We should probably start working on that project, it’s due tomorrow and it might take a while.”  I wasn’t ready yet.  And I couldn’t tell them in front of my mom, because if I started crying again while telling it, she would know I’m not as fine as I seem.

We were sitting on the floor of my small room, with our science binders open.

“So,” Mulligan continued with the endless series of questions from the textbook. “What is the formula for finding the power in the wind?”

“Why the fuck would anyone know that?  I will literally never need to know that.”  I was getting annoyed at all of the useless information we had to know for our presentation.

“You’ll need to know it tomorrow, so just try and remember it.  Just because you have like a 150% average in every class doesn’t mean that you can slack off know.  I need to boost my grade.”

“I was actually thinking of taking a French class, just so I could pass a class,” Lafayette said bitterly.  “I still don’t understand how you do so well.”

“I just work hard, that’s all.  I’ll never get anywhere if I don’t try hard.”

“Slow down, mon ami.  You do great in everything you do.”

“It’s not enough.  I have to be better.  I don’t want to be a disappointment.”

“How could you ever disappoint anyone?”

“I was really good at disappointing my dad.  And even my mom, when she was alive.”

“But I thought--”

“She’s not my real mom, I just call her that.  She’s a foster parent.  My mom died when I was twelve, and I lived with my father until about two years ago.  I lived with him until I came out.”

“I’m so sorry Alex,” Lafayette said, placing their hand comfortingly on my leg.  “I had no idea.”

“It’s fine.  It was for the best.  He didn’t care about me, he just wanted to get rid of me.  I was just a burden who talked too much.”  Great, now I could feel tears coming.  I had to stay strong.  “He told me that I should be ashamed of who I was, and that I would ruin his reputation if anyone found out.  I just remember that when I first told him, he told me to shut up.  He just repeated over and over again, ‘stop talking.’  So I did.  I made a promise to myself to talk less, because that’s what got him to hate me in the first place.  I was always talking.  Always talking.”  Now I actually was crying.  Both Lafayette and Mulligan reached over and pulled me into a tight group hug.

“It’s okay, it’s all behind you now.”

“You don’t have to worry anymore.  We’re here for you.”

“Thank you guys so much.”

Soon, we all turned back to our homework.  I knew that if they came here that this would happen.  I knew I would end up spilling my guts.  But for some reason, I felt better having told them, not worse like I thought I would.  I guess Mom was right, they would stick by me no matter what.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just in case anyone was wondering, the equation for the power in the wind is 1/2*air density*velocity of wind³*rotor area*power coefficient  
> Now everyone knows this virtually useless piece of info I had to memorize :):):):)


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> feat. less than accurate information about debate competitions. Don't yell at me please... I don't know anything. I'm just smol trash, writing about my smol children.

Nationals.  I can’t believe that we’re finally here.  I can’t believe I made it this far.  At the beginning of the year, I never thought that I could be on team with people like this.  I found a family.  And today was the day that I was going to make them proud.

“Alex, just take a deep breath.  You’re going to be fine.  You’ll blow them all away.”  John was comforting me on the train to Philadelphia for the competition.  No one here knew who we were, so we were safe to sit together.  I don’t know if I completely believe Henry Laurens’ threats, but I don’t want to take any chances.  “We’ve all been preparing for weeks, we got this.”

“But what about that Thomas Jefferson guy?  I’ve been hearing a lot about him.  I’ve heard he is really good.”

“Don’t worry about Jefferson, he thinks he’s better than he actually is.  Although, I never really trusted the guy, or James Madison.”

“Who’s James Madison?”

“Jefferson’s creepy boyfriend.  He’s always with him, but I don’t think I’ve actually heard him speak.”

“Oh, that must be that short guy I saw at the other competitions, trailing behind Jefferson and carrying large containers of macaroni and cheese.”

“Probably.  Jefferson has this weird thing about macaroni.  I think it’s a fetish or something.

“You’re one to talk.”

“Excuse me?”

“I heard something about you and turtles.”

Has Angelica been telling people that again.”  John was blushing.  “I just really love turtles, okay?  They’re just so fascinating.”

“You are such a nerd.”

“Do you want to see my turtle drawings?” he asked, ignoring my insults.

“Sure,” I said smiling.  He was so adorable when he got excited.  He pulled out a worn leather notebook.

“Look, these are American Softshell turtles.  They’re my favorite.”

“These are actually really good.  You have mad skillz bro.”

“Thanks.  I love art, but my dad says that it’s useless.  He wants me to go into law.  He says it’s more practical.”

“You don’t have to listen to him you know.  You have talent.  You should do what makes you happy.”

“You’ve met my father, he’s kind of hard to say no to.”

“Believe me, I know.  Maybe one day you’ll get to do what you want.”

“I hope so.”

* * *

 

The competition was spread out over two days, so we had to stay in a hotel.

“When you are staying in this hotel, I expect that each and every one of you will behave responsibly.”  Mr. Washington was lecturing us while we stood in the lobby.  “You will also be sharing rooms with each other, so please be mature about this.  There will be two to a room.  Schuyler.  Hamilton.  You two will be sharing.  Laurens.  Stevens.  You two will be together.  Remember what I said.  No fooling around.”

“You can trust us, sir,” said John, almost too innocently.

“Good.  Now you can take the key cards for your rooms and unpack your things.  You have a half an hour before we have to be at the convention center.  Don’t be late.”

The rooms that we would be staying in were right next to each other.  Angelica opened the door to our room, and we both walked in.  There was only one bed in the center of the room, across from a large flat screen tv.  There was also a small couch by the windows.  It was a very nice room.  I put my suitcase down, and started to unpack.

“Um... Alex?  What are you doing?  You didn’t actually think that you would be sleeping in here, did you?”

“That’s what Mr. Washington said.”

“Mr. Washington doesn’t need to know.  Did you really think that I, of all people, would let you sleep here, when John Laurens is in the room next door?  Besides, Stevens and I already talked about it.  You two will just switch rooms.  I’ll make him sleep on the couch.”

“Wait, seriously?  I don’t know if this is such a good idea.”

“Nobody will ever know.  Now get over there.”

“Okay, I’ll go.”  I picked up my bag and walked out of the room and to the one next door.  I knocked.

“I’m assuming that Angelica told you her plan.  I’ll be out of your guys way.”  He picked up his bag and pushed past me out the door.  He called over his shoulder, “use protection, kids!”  And then he was gone.  The door was closed, and John and I were alone.  We looked at each other, and then we burst out laughing.

“Did that really just happen?”

“Angelica is literally trash.  I love her.”

“We better get ready.  Washington told us not to be late.”

* * *

 

We got to the convention center, and it was even more crowded than I had expected.  There were so many people everywhere, I started getting nervous again.  Another deep breath.

John was my partner for the debate.  On the opposing team was none other than Thomas Jefferson.  It certainly is a small world.

“Today you will be debating that transgender people should be allowed to use a bathroom that does not match the gender specified on their birth certificate.”  That one hits a little too close to home.  John whispered, barely audibly into my ear,

“Are you alright?”  I nod.  I breathe in, then out slowly.  The judge told us that we would be arguing pro.  Good.  I don’t know if I could have argued against it.

“We can’t have these delusional people thinking that they can wander into whatever bathroom they want, just because of how they feel.  No one would feel comfortable having to share with someone who doesn’t really belong there.  It’s clear to me that these people need psychiatric help, to help them come to terms that they are simply lying to themselves and others.”  Jefferson looked smug.  He thought he had it in the bag.  I had never felt more angry than I did right now.  I needed to wipe that satisfied look right off his stupid transphobic face.

“Transgender people face employment discrimination, are denied housing, are the victims of hate crimes, and you still say that they aren’t discriminated against?  There is absolutely no excuse for thinking that members of the transgender community shouldn’t be granted the same rights and privileges as everybody else.  It doesn’t matter if you think that it goes against your religious beliefs, or that you say that it makes you uncomfortable, they have a right be treated the same as everybody else.  Anything less is saying that you don’t believe that they are actually people.  You might not think that it’s a big deal, calling someone the wrong name, or using the wrong pronouns.  But to them, it is a big deal.  It’s like the entire world is telling them that they aren’t valid.  Maybe that’s why 41% of trans people attempt suicide.  Because there are people like you who think that they shouldn’t exist.  It’s not all in their heads, it’s not a phase, and it definitely does not mean that you are allowed to take away their rights as human beings.  Thank you.”  That got personal.  I could feel John squeezing my hand from under the table.  Jefferson looked bewildered.  He wasn’t expecting that.  We caught him off guard, so this was our chance to win.  We could do this.

“You guys literally killed it,” said Angelica as soon as we were done.  “You fucking took Jefferson down.”

“Do you really think so?”

“I know so.  Come on, it’s getting late, we should go back to the hotel.  They’re announcing winners tomorrow.”

As soon as I got back to the hotel room, I flopped on the bed, and kicked off my shoes.  I didn’t want to move for at least ten hours.  I heard the door opening, I turned my head just enough to see John coming in.

“You’re going to have to make some room for me.”

“Do I have to?  Can’t you just sleep on the floor or something?”

“No way, Hamilton.”

“Fight me Laurens.”

He came over to the bed and pulled me up.

“You’re cute.”  He pulled me in closer for a kiss.  It felt so good.  He deepened the kiss, pushing me backwards onto the bed.  His hands were reaching under my shirt, bringing me closer and closer to him.  I put my arms over his shoulders, inviting him in.  

This was going to be a very good night.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's almost over.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay, I didn't have access to a computer for a few days.

"I guess you two had fun last night,” Angelica said with a smirk the next morning during breakfast. “I could hear you. You really need to work on being more quiet.”  
“Shut up Angelica! Mr. Washington is right over there,” I turned at looked at him, making sure he hadn’t heard anything.  
“Where is Laurens anyway? Recovering from last night?”  
“Literally stop.”  
“Speak of the devil, there’s lover boy himself.”  
“Hi Alex,” John said to me as he sat down. “I’ve decided never to speak to Angelica ever again, so would you mind telling her that she can spare me from the smug know it all comments I know that she has in store.”  
“You have so little faith in me. I might be offended. It’s not my fault hotel walls are paper thin.”  
“Guys,” I broke in, “can we maybe stop talking about this during breakfast?”  
“Whatever you want Alex. Or should I say, baby girl?”  
“Shut up!” John looked about ready to explode.  
“Before John strangles you, I'm calling your sister to tell her that she needs to stop you.”  
“Wait, why exactly do you have Eliza’s number?”  
“She gave it to me in case of emergencies. Or in case you were being especially insufferable.”  
“Did she actually say that?! Because I'm still her older sister, and--”. Ignoring Angelica, I dialed the number.  
“Hi Eliza.  
No everything's fine.  
I just think Angelica needs someone sensible to talk to.  
Oh sure of course.” I put the phone down on the table and put it on speaker phone. “Eliza is going to get Peggy so that they can yell at you as well.”  
“Great, now my own family is against me.”  
“ANGELICA SCHUYLER!” Peggy’s voice rang through the speakers.  
“Peggy be quiet,” hissed Angelica. “We’re in public.”  
“We've told you a hundred times before to stop meddling in other people’s business. And for god's sake, stop making jokes about it!” They were on a roll.  
“And another thing, don’t think just because we’re not there with you, that means we can’t stop you from from being a little bitch.”  
“Oh my god, Peggy. I was just having fun.”  
“We’re just saying that sometimes you can get a little carried away.”  
“Don’t lecture me, Eliza. Don’t you remember what happened with Maria Reynolds?”  
“Come on Angie, I thought we agreed to never bring that up again.”  
“Ohhh what happened?” John was suddenly interested.  
“Don’t you dare tell him anything.”  
“Well, since you asked. There was once this girl named Maria Reynolds that Peggy was totally into. And Eliza decided to play matchmaker, and get them together.”  
“It did work,” interjected Peggy. “I mean, we are still together.”  
“It’s just that Maria is a bit wild.” Continued Angelica. “Some people just don’t think that she is the best fit for Peggy. I’m not saying that Peggy is boring or anything... I just don’t see why Maria is into them, that’s all.  
“It’s because I’m fucking cute as hell, that’s why.”  
“After that we agreed no more messing with people’s relationships,” Eliza added. “We feel that it’s for the best. But sometimes my dear sister Angelica forgets what we agreed on.”  
“You two are cute together, but Angelica can calm down. I’m sure you guys can work it out yourselves.”  
John and I shared a glance across the table. At least we had the Schuyler siblings on our side.

* * *

  
La baguette: is what eliza schuyler telling me tru???  
La baguette: did u and turtle boy do the do???  
Clothing boi: don’t ask him about it  
Clothing boi: he probs doesn’t want 2 talk about it  
La baguette: mais je veux savoir si ils baisée ou non  
Hammie: Do you really want to know if we “fucked” as Laf so eloquently put it?  
La baguette: Oui!  
Clothing boi: I guess...  
Hammie: Well, you’ll never know  
Hammie: That's between me and him  
La baguette: casse toi  
Clothing boi: fuck u  
Hammie: :)))))) <3 <3 <3  
La baguette has left the chat  
Clothing boi has left the chat

* * *

 

“You all have worked very hard to get where you are. If you made it this far, you know that you have a lot of talent. Unfortunately only one team can take home first place.” The standard speech. At this point, I don't even care if we won; just as long as Thomas Jefferson’s doesn't win. He doesn't deserve it. I just wanted to prove that I could do it. I wanted to prove that my father, and everybody else, was wrong. People did want to hear what I had to say.

* * *

 

*one hour later*  
“We won!”  
“We won!”  
“We won!”  
“We won!”  
A massive celebration was taking place in one of the hotel rooms. Angelica ordered pizza, and even Mr. Washington (washingTURNT) came in to celebrate our victory. The best thing about us winning was the look on Thomas Jefferson’s face when they announced our team name. Revenge is sweet. But even better was the celebratory kiss I got. Before we went to the front of the room to receive our award, John pulled me aside. I never wanted to forget that moment. I proved everybody wrong.  
La baguette: congrats mon ami!!!  
La baguette: don't forget your friends when ur famous  
Hammie: I'm not famous  
Clothing boi: not famous yet, but u can still kick ass  
La baguette: kicked Jefferson’s ass  
Hammie: is it just me, or does Laf kind of look like Jefferson?  
Clothing boi: ur right they kinda do  
La baguette: lies! I look nothing like that elitist loser  
Hammie: whatever you say...  
Hammie: macaroni fucker

* * *

 

“Mr. Washington? Do you have a second?”  
“Of course Alex.”  
“I've been wondering, why exactly did you ask me to join the debate team? You had no idea whether I was any good or not.”  
“I could lie, and say I just took a wild chance on you, but I'd like to make up for not being entirely truthful with you in the past.”  
“Sir?”  
“On the first day of school, you were leaving my classroom, and something fell out of your notebook. I went to give it back to you, but I'm afraid that my curiosity got the better of me.”  
“What did it say?” I asked in a hushed tone, mind racing with all the possibilities of what it might have been.  
“It was a letter. Addressed to your father.”  
Oh. I know what he's talking about. It was a letter I had never intended for anyone to read.  
“Your writing was absolutely beautiful, it was almost heartbreaking to read. I knew how personal it must be to you, but I couldn't resist giving you the opportunity to speak your mind out loud, and not just be confined to paper. I hope you can forgive me for reading it.”  
“Thank you so much. No one has ever given me a chance like this before. Thank you.”

I wrote my own deliverance.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had an idea for another fic after this one. Maybe even more sin.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it. The end. So dramatic, I know.

“Honestly, I don't give two fucks about your opinion.”  Samuel Seabury stood there, dumbfounded.  I approached him outside of school one day. I had finally decided to speak my mind. 

“I remember what you said about me on my first day, and I came here to you what I should have said then. And another thing, if you say another word about me or my boyfriend, you will be sorry. I don't care that you don't like it, you can take your stupid prejudiced ideas, and shove them right up your ass.”  I know that if Angelica Schuyler had been there, she would have applauded. Hell, she would probably have joined in my Seabury roasting session.  So would Peggy, they were ready to fight 24/7.  Even Eliza, with her quiet, shy ways, always stood up for me.  I could always depend on the Schuyler siblings to have my back.  I was lucky to know them.  And now Samuel Seabury was put back in his place.

* * *

 

@ham4thewin:  @tjeffs doesn't like to think that anybody who isn't exactly like him should exist. His conservative views are old fashioned, and just flat out wrong and harmful. People deserve to know what kind of person really lies behind that smiling exterior. 

_ bestofwomen, angel_ica, thefrenchiestfry, laurensluvsturtles, and_peggy, gothedistance1781, favorited and retweeted this _

_ @ _ jmads _ :  _ Um... That was kind of mean @ham4thewin He can have his own opinion. 

_ Tjeffs favorited and retweeted this _

_ @ _ ham4thewin:  If he can have his own opinion, why can't you? @jmads That was probably the most controversial thing you've ever said, and it was just defending your creepy boyfriend. Tell me, what do you really think about trans people?

_ bestofwomen, angel_ica, thefrenchiestfry, laurensluvsturtles, andpeggy, gothedistance1781, favorited and retweeted this _

@jmads:  @ham4thewin idk, whatever Thomas said I agree with. 

_ Tjeffs favorited and retweeted this _

@ham4thewin:  Good god @jmads think for yourself for once, I don't see Thomas defending you

@tjeffs:  I think that Alexandra Hamilton should mind her own business. 

_ Jmads favorited and retweeted this _

_ @ _ laurensluvsturtles:  @tjeffs if you ever purposely misgender my boyfriend again I will make sure you regret it

_ bestofwomen, angel_ica, thefrenchiestfry, ham4thewin, and_peggy, gothedistance1781, favorited and retweeted this _

@thefrenchiestfry:  @tjeffs if you say anything like that to Alex again, I will personally shove a baguette up your ass. 

_ bestofwomen, angel_ica, ham4thewin, laurensluvsturtles, and_peggy, gothedistance1781, favorited and retweeted this _

@ham4thewin:  I hope that Thomas Jefferson knows that I check my indirects

@tjeffs:  So do I 

@ham4thewin:  I am never going to apologize for who I am. It's not my problem if some people can't except that. I know that I'm right. 

_ bestofwomen, angel_ica, thefrenchiestfry, laurensluvsturtles, andpeggy, gothedistance1781, favorited and retweeted this _

* * *

 

“Hello Mr. Laurens. I'm sorry to show up here so unexpectedly.”  I was wearing jeans and a grey sweatshirt. I wasn't trying to impress anyone this time. 

“I thought that I made it clear that you are not welcome here.”

“Don't worry. You made yourself  _ perfectly _ clear. I just had something that I wanted to say to you.”

“Well?  I haven't got all day.”

“You are one of the worst fathers I have ever seen, which saying a lot, because I’ve seen  _ my _ father.  You can't control him his whole life. He should be able to make his own choices. I doubt that you even care that he's an incredibly talented artist, and might even be able to pursue a career in it. But he's too afraid of disappointing you to do anything but exactly what you want. You have no right to tell him what he should believe. He is his own person. And you know what? He's a fucking great person, and I-- I'm in love with him, so don't you dare tell me I can't be around him.”

“You think you can just come to my house and talk to me like this?  I have a lot of influence over the people around here, and you’ll be sorry.”  

“I’m not scared of you.  You’re weird intimidation tactics don’t work on me.”

“I'll have you know that I can--”

“Dad. Just shut up for once.”  I looked past Mr. Laurens into the house. John was standing there. 

“Young man, go back to your room immediately.”

“I'm not a little kid anymore, Dad. You can't just hide me away every time I say something that you don't agree with.”  He pushed past his father who was still standing in the doorway. “Alex, you didn't have to come here.”

“But I wanted to. I didn't want you to be hurt like this anymore.”

“Thank you so much. I don't know anyone else who would do that for me. And, I heard what you said. Alex, I love you too.”  I pulled him into a tight hug, and then suddenly my mouth was on his. I didn't care who was watching. Right then nothing else mattered. 

* * *

 

_ Dear Father, _

_ I don't care if you hate me. At this point I'm almost glad you do. If you hadn't told me that I was “a worthless piece of shit” I never would have had to leave, and if I hadn't left, I wouldn't be where I am today.  I have a great boyfriend, and wonderful friends.  You can never take that away from me.  You told me how wrong I was, and I just stood there and listened. I didn't stand up for myself because I was too scared. But now I'm not. You shouldn't have told me that no one wanted to hear what I had to say, because I believed you. I stopped telling people what I thought, and it took me a long time to get over that. So this is a letter telling you that you were wrong. I am my own person, and I am going to live my life the way I want to live it. Thank you for telling me to talk less.  And also fuck you.  _

_ Sincerely, _

_ Alexander Hamilton _

* * *

 

I was done with people trying to take advantage of me.  I was done with people looking down on me, and telling me that I was worthless.  I was never going to let that happen again.  I can control my own destiny.  I can control how people remember me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading this massive shitpost. I appreciate all of the kudos and lovely comments, I hope you enjoyed my sinning. I probably going to start another story soon, *embarrassing self promo* so if you're interested you know where to find me. It's not like I go anywhere.

**Author's Note:**

> I am a piece of Trash™  
> I promise it will get better.  
> But then again, maybe not.


End file.
